Where's My Ho?

I’m pissed as hell that Eminem has a movie. Not that it’s a huge hit, which is appalling all by itself, but that he has a movie at all. Where’s my movie? I’m not even a prick. See, I was supposed to have had my movie by now. Or my book, or my sitcom, or[…]


I was ordering a burger at McDonald’s but I couldn’t take my eyes off this chick’s eyebrows. They were the kind of eyebrows that look like they must be an accident; but they can’t be an accident because they match. Her real eyebrows are gone. The place above her eyes where the eyebrows should be[…]

The "Boys Who Like Girls" Scouts Of America

My son used to be in the Boy Scouts. He is not any more. This is not because he’s gay, although I suppose it’s not impossible. It’s because he’s easily bored, and the people who run the local Boy Scout troop are utter morons. My son likes to play outside, camp, build things, and get[…]

Where Did This Old Man Ass Come From?

Where did this old man ass come from, and why is it following me around? I remember when I used to fill these pants out like freakin’ Barishnikov … well, not these pants, since these are the pants I bought when it was made abundantly clear that big bottom bells were no longer de rigueur.[…]

Where Is My Future?

Where is my future? I know it must be here somewhere. It was promised to me – I was banking on it being here. Where is my future? Let me explain what I mean. So I’m driving through Aromas the other day, a dinky little town in the middle of nowhere with one four-way stop[…]