Gimme A Witness

I was awakened last weekend, on a beautiful Saturday morning, by a knock on the door… Okay, I wasn’t awakened, it was 11:30, but I’d just gotten up and I was brushing my teeth when I opened the door, and I was greeted by a pair of shiny, smiling, well-dressed people wearing their very best[…]

Almost Boyfriend Man

According to contemporary social myth, all it takes to be a hero is to be standing nearby when something bad happens. Given how often bad stuff seems to be happening, you and I are officially heroes. If something bad hasn’t happened near you yet, fear not. It soon shall. Lately, given my status as hero,[…]

Awkward Stage

We all go through an awkward stage, trapped somewhere between “got it all figured out” and “gave it all up”. We like to think we only go through it as kids, as teens trapped between childhood and adulthood, longing to hang onto the simplicity of toys and imaginary friends and Saturday morning cartoons over a[…]

The Great Big Book Of Me

Call me Ishmael. It was a dark and stormy night. It was the best of times; it was the worst of times. Every good story needs a good opening line. Something that grabs you; that sets the tone; that establishes the tenor of all that follows, forecasting all the creativity, drama, success and adventure to[…]

Real Men Don't Buy Kitsch

I was out doing a little shopping, a little consuming, prowling the aisles of the Cost Plus, the Ross Dress for Less, the K-Mart, the Everything’s a Dollar Store. So I’m at Ross, and I’m cruising the Kitsch aisle (which is right alongside the Crap aisle, across from the Broken Stuff Somebody Else Threw Out[…]

Where's My Ho?

I’m pissed as hell that Eminem has a movie. Not that it’s a huge hit, which is appalling all by itself, but that he has a movie at all. Where’s my movie? I’m not even a prick. See, I was supposed to have had my movie by now. Or my book, or my sitcom, or[…]


I was ordering a burger at McDonald’s but I couldn’t take my eyes off this chick’s eyebrows. They were the kind of eyebrows that look like they must be an accident; but they can’t be an accident because they match. Her real eyebrows are gone. The place above her eyes where the eyebrows should be[…]

The "Boys Who Like Girls" Scouts Of America

My son used to be in the Boy Scouts. He is not any more. This is not because he’s gay, although I suppose it’s not impossible. It’s because he’s easily bored, and the people who run the local Boy Scout troop are utter morons. My son likes to play outside, camp, build things, and get[…]

Where Did This Old Man Ass Come From?

Where did this old man ass come from, and why is it following me around? I remember when I used to fill these pants out like freakin’ Barishnikov … well, not these pants, since these are the pants I bought when it was made abundantly clear that big bottom bells were no longer de rigueur.[…]

Where Is My Future?

Where is my future? I know it must be here somewhere. It was promised to me – I was banking on it being here. Where is my future? Let me explain what I mean. So I’m driving through Aromas the other day, a dinky little town in the middle of nowhere with one four-way stop[…]

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